What Self Love Is and What It Isn’t

Self love is a big topic these days and a billion dollar industry….

I have lots to say here…

But, first, a question for you….

Are you your own best friend?

Cause. You. Should. Be.

In fact, there should be more unconditional love for who you see in the mirror than for anyone else in your life.

How do I describe love for myself?

Love is compassion in action.

When we show love towards ourselves this means we can have compassion and patience for ourselves. We hold space for our humanness and mistakes.

Do you do this?

There was a time I LOATHED what I saw in the mirror I spoke to her with harsh judgement and disgust.

I never measured up to my standards.

In my own mind I always fell short in any expectations I had for who I was supposed to be. And I thought I could shame myself into change.

Why do we do this?


You can’t hate yourself happy. 
You can’t hate yourself thin. 
You can’t hate yourself into finding a partner. 
You can’t hate yourself into accomplishment.

Not loving ourselves doesn’t serve us. PERIOD.

Let’s crush some toxic false ideals about self love

Some believe we are productive because we punish and motivate through shame and judgement. Beating ourselves into production is how we attain great achievement. FALSE. Actually the self judgement and criticism holds us back from actually who and what we really are. The negative self talk is like a ball and chain restricting us from being who we are truly meant to be. So imagine how much you could actually accomplish when acting from love. 
We will never heal, grow, or live our fullest life being fueled through punishment and this will never foster love. It only repels it.

Second false belief is that self love creates arrogance or self indulgence. In other words when we truly love ourselves we become self-obsessed. This is especially instilled in women, and it is bullshit. Listen, this is completely FALSE. In fact, the opposite is true. The people that are the most self-loathing are the ones that are self-obsessed. The ones that hate themselves are the most self critical and will then spend most of the day obsessing over how they look, what they ate, and what you said the other day. When you truly like yourself, you really don’t think about yourself at all. You have way more time to think about and love other people.

Why is this?

Because when you love yourself then other people are not a reflection of you, your fears, or your judgements. People do not become something you try to manipulate to feel safe or ok.

Doesn’t that make so much sense?

Third false ideal about loving ourselves: Self love is a destination that we arrive to. Again, another untruth. It isn’t the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It doesn’t mean life becomes perfect. The relationship with ourselves is just that … a relationship 
There are days you feel fabulous about it and days you don’t. It can be messy, fun, confusing, frustrating, and anything in between.

But it is the longest relationship we will have while living this precious life and it is worth developing.

And truly the only way to really fall deeply in love with ourselves is by coming to a place of forgiveness, acceptance, and compassion for who we were and are right now. Loving all the parts of us. We are truly perfect in our humanness. We are not broken. Nothing has gone wrong.

How does that sound?

At 40 years old I finally realized I had deep seated beliefs, judgements, and expectations that weren’t serving me and I changed them. I slowly chose different thoughts about me. Much of that started with lots and LOTS of compassion for me and my past actions.

And actually that started with talking to the little 4 year old girl inside me who still felt abandoned and scared. Reuniting with her was the very best thing I have ever done for myself. Talking with her over time helped me create different and better thoughts about me.

These thoughts created healthier feelings, which then created different actions.

All that helped me deepen the love I have for all that I am. The good, the bad, and the ugly. But still…it is an ongoing journey.

So I ask you…

What beliefs do you have about yourself?

Start paying attention to your thoughts when you talk to yourself. We have over 60,000 thoughts a day. How many are directed towards you and your flaws?

I used to drop things and immediately call myself names for being so clumsy or dumb. Does this sound familiar?

Write any thoughts down that come to mind. Is there really any truth to them?

Our minds love evidence. Show your mind how these statements are false.

Then list all your good qualities. Look at all the reasons you are truly unique. How would your best friend describe you? Your parent? Your children? Make that list. 
Read it when your brain wants to beat you up.

Statements as simple as: “I am doing my best.” Can move us away from judgement and into compassion.

This is life changing work. You deserve to feel loved from within!

While we are on this topic I have added another bonus email for next week going more in depth about celebrating ourselves. You are gonna love it! See you next Tuesday!

Keep going and expect miracles like your life depends on it,

Are you looking to feel better? 
My clients are thinking their way to feeling better and living better. 
If you want this too, contact me here and we can chat about how I can help you too. 
You deserve to feel better, so what is stopping you?

Did you know you can share this with a fellow human who might need a little extra love and empowerment right now?

love yourself
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